


In another life.

by bakusuki



Category: orange - 高野苺 | Takano Ichigo
Genre: F/M, I like to imagine that Naho wrote letters all the time for Kakeru, and I also really like to deliver on the whole angst department, but apparently I love angst even more, i love this ship so much, naturally they are unsent letters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-08
Updated: 2017-09-08
Packaged: 2018-12-25 04:49:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12028470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bakusuki/pseuds/bakusuki
Summary: Naho writes letters for Kakeru, because writing is easier than trying to speak about how she feels, and all of her regrets. Unfortunately, these are letters that she writes and then never sends, because who would she send it to? She keeps the unsent letters to herself.





	In another life.

Dear Kakeru,

_Naho would have said it out loud, if it was possible for her to do so, but for so long, have the words been caught within her throat. They wish to budge, to move and to be heard, but in the end, Naho always wondered, aside from herself, who else would be listening? Would he be listening?_

I thought of your smile today. It's been an awfully long time, but I've always imagined that ten years wouldn't change how your smile would look. We went to the mountains today, in the hopes that you would join us there, like you _always_ said that you would. You can expect the usual arguments between Hagita and Azusa, and I hope you can remember how they used to argue, and how we would laugh. We said that they were like an old married couple, we had said it from the beginning. We joked about it again today, and I think I heard you laugh with us. I'm pretty certain that I heard you laugh along with us, and I imagined how you looked when you were laughing. You always had a wonderful look on your face, and I remember how there was colour in your cheeks, and how you would cover your face with yours hands at first. After a while you stopped doing that, but your laugh remained as beautiful as ever.

It was strange. I felt sad today. No, sadder than usual. It was a sadness that I could not put into words, and I still have yet to find the words. _I'm sorry_. I spend a lot of days being sad, though our friends tell me not too, because you wouldn't like it. Of course, you wouldn't. You hated your friends being sad, I think you hated the idea of anyone you cared about being sad, and I would be selfish to allow you to think I was sad because of mistakes. It is a sadness that I could not find the words for, and a sadness that I still do not have the words for. Maybe I was sad because I could never see you laugh in person again, though I imagine that one night, I may hear it in my dreams.

I think you would have enjoyed today, _Kakeru_. I think that you would have liked to see how happy we were, how happy we are when we're with you. I like to imagine that you're always with us, carrying your smile along with us, or laughing with Suwa and Hagita. You know, Suwa still eats like a giant should, I guess somethings really do not change.

I like to imagine that there is another place out there for us, for you. We spoke about time capsules today too, and the theory of the black hole. Naturally, Hagita said it was impossible, and nonsense created back in school, but I like to think that there are alternate realities, or a place better than this one. One where you can live in too, where you can be happy, _truly happy_ , and I could be too. Do you think alternate realities are crazy? Black holes are nonsense? It probably sounds it, doesn't it? I bet I sound crazy. But I imagine that you would say: it's okay, like you always did. I like to think that there is an alternate reality out there somewhere, one of which, you say that it's okay, all the time. One, where you smile and laugh, and cover your face, all the time, just like the first time we met. Maybe even one that just replays the day we met. Maybe even one where I managed to save you, where you could be happy, _with me_. I like to imagine that a past me can create a future where you decided to hold onto me, not just for a little longer, but for the rest of your life.

_Her hands shake at this point, she can feel the dull ache thrumming through joints. This is a pain she hasn't spoken about, not properly, not in depth, not like this. Not to anyone, not even to Suwa. It was something that she had always hoped that one day she would be brave enough to say, when her heart didn't crumble upon hearing his name, or when her throat didn't tighten, and the words just wouldn't come out._

I have so many regrets, Kakeru. So many, maybe too many to count, but I carry them, _regardless_. I shall never regret meeting you, but I regret not being able to change the first day we met. Sometimes, I like to play it over and imagine how things would have been if you had gone home, and hung out with us another time. Would you be happy? Would you always smile as brightly as you had? More importantly, would you be here? With me? _Us_. **Our friends**. I regret that I didn't stop you from coming out with us, and that time you said you wouldn't mind if I made you lunch, and you said you were joking? Do you remember? I regret that I talked myself out of making you one. Maybe you might have realised how much I cared. I regret not apologising for how insensitive I was. I was selfish, and at the time, I was only thinking of myself. I regret not telling you how it was my fault, and that I pushed too hard. I should have told you how it was my fault, and that it was never yours. I regret not talking to you. Do you realise how much it hurt? How I hated how silent you had become, and yet, _I did nothing_. I regret that I never spoke to you, that I brushed it off like it was nothing, but Kakeru, it _was_ something. It was something to me. I regret that I didn't live within the moment, that I allowed everything to slip between my fingers. I allowed you to slip between my fingers. The valentines chocolates that you asked about? You do remember asking about them, don't you? You asked if I was giving them to someone, and to who? They were for _you_. I regret so much. So much. I regret that I didn't keep a better eye on you, that I didn't pay attention enough to see your suffering... But I wish you would have said something. I wish that you would have held on, _held onto me_.

Were you scared, Kakeru? Scared that you would hurt me? I wish you had said something, anything, it's better than nothing. I wish that you had reached for me. You wouldn't have scared me, and you wouldn't have hurt me, but I wish you had stayed a little longer.

Are you happy where you are? I like to think that you found peace, somewhere beautiful for you to belong. Do you smile, like you deserve to? I have a lot of questions, and I suppose that can be annoying, but I hope that you don't mind. Did you see us when we found out about your passing? And what about at your funeral? Do you have any regrets of your own? Do you regret not staying alive? Do you regret not being able to see how much we loved you? I did say that I have a lot of questions, and I've asked them for ten years, and sadly, it is only now that I find the courage to ask you.

_Writing it, seemed a lot easier._

I'd like you to know, that I'm sorry, Kakeru. I'm sorry that the reality that you came into was unkind to you, and I'm sorry that I was never brave to speak out to you. I'm sorry that I couldn't save you, but I plan on saving you. _Somewhere_ , and somehow. In another future, I think you're alive, and I think you'd be really happy. Do you think that we would all be friends? And that we would all see each other more often? Do you think that we would be married? I think we're going to send letters to our past selves. Maybe I cannot change this reality, but maybe I can change another, and maybe, _just maybe_ , we can rid ourselves of this guilt and this regret. We'll do it, Kakeru. We _will_ save you, I'll make sure of it, I promise, and we can live in another reality, an alternate place where your happiness never has to end, and where you will always remain. I hope that you won't have to wait too long for us... But for now, I want you to live through me. I want you to see the world through my eyes, I want you to feel the love _we_ have for you, the love I have for you, the love that _I_ will always have for _you_.

In the next reality, I want you to hold on. Take a tight hold of me, _Kakeru_ , and don't you dare let go. Don't let go, and don't you dare say goodbye. I want you to live, Kakeru. Live alongside me, and our friends, live together. I want you to talk to us, help us to right the wrongs in which we made. Hold my hand when you're afraid Kakeru, and don't you ever let go. When things get too hard, or when they get a little scary, just hold onto me. Don't let go, and stay for me, Kakeru.

_Naho_.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I sat and watched Orange again, and I honestly regret my life choices. Can we all just take a moment to congratulate me on the fact I cried twice writing this, in comparison to the God knows how many times I cried whilst watching it again? Anyway, if you want to hit me up, feel free to do so on Tumblr. I changed my URL, but you can catch me at: @katcchans.


End file.
